Since the campaign donations are not flooding in as my election team expected (thank you Mrs. Sylvia Argyle, recently widowed, for the canned goods), I yesterday decided to change the tack of this sinking ship and set a direct course for the gilt harbor of corporate sponsorship.
Now before you lash out at me like a woman scorned (e.g., Sean Hannity), allow me to explain.
After conducting demographic studies on voter support vs. annual income, our parent organization, the Al Astor Group, LLC, concluded that if one enters the field of politics for reasons of fiscal self-interest (as I have), then to honestly stump for the voiceless, the marginalized, and the economically disenfranchised is to commit a kind of campaign suicide. True, one can pay lip service to the mundane difficulties and day-to-day disappointments of the huddled masses, draw them into the inferno of false empathy, exploit their children for photo-ops, boast their concerns as one’s own, and shower them in golden but unlikely policy changes. But expectations for support of any kind must be classified as pure fantasy for the following reasons: a) these classes have no money to contribute, and b) they no longer vote.
To myself as political strategist (often confused with me), these insights are of paramount importance, as they imply for my campaign that a) I likely won’t be giving it a dime, and b) I likely won’t be voting, even for myself. And this is just the sort of poverty-bred apathy I entered politics to fight. Damn it if it isn’t the very core of my presidential platform. If this campaign was founded on anything, it was for the sole purpose of putting me into a tax bracket that has an interest, vested or otherwise, in voting. In fact, my goal as a (more or less) unified political force is to siphon enough of my campaign contributions through various relatives and shell companies to increase the likelihood that a) I will be giving substantially to my next campaign, and b) be voting for myself, twice.
Still, by the dictates of a rather weak piece of legislation referred to as Shays-Meehan, my campaign cannot now legally accept soft-money contributions directly from corporations. Only on an individual basis can one now gather (more) campaign money (than ever in history) from voters. But rather than mire myself and my campaign team in the unsavory business of gladhanding packs of wan, paunchy executives for bundles of discrete, $2800, hard-money contributions at miserable fundraisers, I have cleverly devised a subterfuge to (as we in the business say) ‘loophole’ these pesky statutes and collect large sums of money directly from corporate advertising budgets.*
What I propose is this. In return for advertising consideration (to be priced and delivered in swiss francs), I will offer the seamless placement of commercial brands into my campaign speeches, hand tailored to fit supporter demographics. Here is but a sampling of possible setups and slogans.
Wait while I cover my ears.
THEY PROCLAIMED TO ALL THE WORLD THE REVOLUTIONARY DOCTRINE OF THE DIVINE RIGHTS OF THE COMMON MAN. THAT DOCTRINE HAS EVER SINCE BEEN THE HEART OF THE AMERICAN FAITH. EXERCISE YOUR DIVINE RIGHT COMMON MAN. DRINK BUDWEISER!
Not bad.
Subtle, no?
No. But neither is most advertising. Nor is campaigning.
Here’s another, A POWER HAS RISEN UP IN THE GOVERNMENT GREATER THAN THE PEOPLE THEMSELVES, CONSISTING OF MANY AND VARIOUS POWERFUL INTERESTS, COMBINED IN ONE MASS, AND HELD TOGETHER BY THE COHESIVE POWER OF THE VAST SURPLUS IN BANKS…NOW YOU TOO CAN EXPERIENCE THIS COHESIVE POWER WITH CITIBANK’S FREE ONLINE CHECKING!
Much better, li’l Ogilvy.
Wait, I have more.
I’m not sure I can stand more.
THE BEST THAT WE CAN HOPE FOR CONCERNING THE PEOPLE AT LARGE IS THAT THEY BE PROPERLY ARMED. SMITH & WESSON... GET YOUR PROPS.
'Props.' That’s ‘street,’ right?
‘Gangsta.’
That style is still popular-ish. But it too shall pass. Have you thought of something more ‘fad proof?’
How’s this…MAN IS BORN FREE AND EVERYWHERE HE IS IN CHAINS, UNLESS HE HAPPENS TO BE RIDING ON A SET OF MICHELIN SNOW TIRES.
That's better. And when the oil runs out?
ONE DEATH IS A TRAGEDY, BUT A MILLION DEATHS IS A STATISTIC. WILBERT-CHANDLER BURIAL VAULTS, FOR THE DEAD IN BETWEEN.
Death. A perennial. What about taxes?
EVEN THE NEW WORLD ORDER CANNOT GUARANTEE AN ERA OF PERPETUAL PEACE. BUT WHETHER OLD WORLD ORDER OR NEW WORLD ORDER, LOCKHEED-MARTIN CAN HELP YOU KEEP IT ALL IN ORDER.
Ah, “cost-plus" military contracting. $2.3 trillion and counting missing from the Pentagon, why not make some of that yours?
In that same spirit I have, THOSE WHO CAST THE VOTES DECIDE NOTHING. THOSE WHO COUNT THE VOTES DECIDE EVERYTHING. DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, FOR ELECTIONS TOO IMPORTANT TO TRUST TO THE MAJORITY.
Ingsoc it to me, Big Brother. What about something specifically for the ladies? You know…half our consumer base.
YOU CANNOT MAKE A REVOLUTION WITH SILK GLOVES, BUT YOU CAN BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY IN CHANEL.
Hmn.
No good?
Stalin and high fashion? On second thought, that might work.
There is one other.
Ok, but with a little more drama this time. Try raising your arms in the air.
Ok. Ready?
Arms up. Higher. Action!
I HAVE TAKEN MORE OUT OF ALCOHOL THAN ALCOHOL HAS TAKEN OUT OF ME! THANK YOU SCWEPPES TONIC!
[applauding] Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed by thirst.
* While this technique is perhaps a conflict of interest, a bog of double-dealing, and a violation of one or more federal election laws (all elements critical to a successful presidential campaign), I would like to go on record as its pioneer and state in no uncertain terms that it is protected by U.S. Patent # 10%4ME, currently owned and leased to this campaign by the political action committee Conspiracy to Elect Al Astor, and that if any other politico is found using this same or suably similar intellectual property, royalties are to be paid to it (i.e., me)(in small unmarked bills) as “consulting fees”, lest it (also me) unleash the saber-toothed litigators of Shyster & Pettifog, Ltd., to legally separate said politicos from that fair and just potion of their “funds raised.”