MAMMON

MAMMON, n. The deity most decide to serve for the simple reason that the tips are better.

On entering, the Lord God stood
While waiting to be greeted.
He cast an eye about the room,
Where naught but one was seated.
At a table made for seven sat
A thing so fat his cheeks were pleated,
While around him in attendance
Stood the wait staff as he bleated,
“Your obeisance will determine
How gratuities are meted.
I’ll have one large of everything.
Now see that I’m not cheated.”

Waiting later still, the All Seeing,
As passed before him plates of gammon,
Roasted hen, filet mignon
Chops of veal, and cuts of salmon,
Fumed, “I am one of substance,
Not some stinting, ragged gamin!
Your irreverence is such that
I should bring upon you famine!”
“You can raise your voice unto the roof,”
Said the host, “curse the sons of Ammon,
Feed us gall and wormwood,
We’ll not serve both God and Mammon.”

  Maximilian Edsel, S.J.

ASSEMBLY LINE

ASSEMBLY LINE, n. A mechanized form of mass production whereby a series of uniform, constituent parts are assembled by a succession of disinterested workers performing singular, repetitive tasks in the line of automation to manufacture cheap, perfectly homogenous merchandise that will in the not-too-distant future demand its own replacement. This division of labor is said to have been inspired by the “disassembly line,” a method of slaughter common to the abattoirs of the early twentieth century, but is one by which the commodity is, conversely, pieced together and only the laborer’s conscience so butchered.

GRAVITY

GRAVITY, n. The natural force of attraction two bodies exert on one another until one of those bodies opens its mouth.

From cradle to gravity,
Not Christian depravity,
Went highfalutin
Sir Isaac Newton.

The Cambridge elite
Were found too effete,
So he studied instead
Why? the bump on his head.

There followed this chance
The preponderance
Of mechanics of weight.
The apple he ate.

                     Pes Planus, Chiropodist

HALFWIT

HALFWIT, n. The quotient obtained in dividing a man by his traditional number of testicles.

Although the Chair may recognize
The senators from New York State,
It wonders if (through doubting eyes)
A whole wit do two halfwits make.

                                                 Brian Swiffft

 

PURE

PURE, n. A solution, made from dog’s turds, once used in the tanning of hides. 

Strolling down the lane were the tanner and the priest,
Discussing things profane amid the day’s surcease.
They touched on topics far. They touched on topics broad.
Yet the tanner, when he spoke, felt something of a fraud.
For deep inside a secret burned, wild, hotter by the hour,
Until its wool-dyed keeper could not fain resist its power.
So when down the topic came to the tanner and his life,
He said, “I must confess, I love another’s wife.
Well, not another’s wife, but another’s wife’s clothes;
Her capri pants and camisoles, short skirts and panty hose.”

Heavily, the tanner strode, stodged by the slough Despond,
Until at last, in testament, he heard the priest respond,
“Bespoken orthodoxy by our Universal Tailor
Condemns as concupiscent your dressing like Liz Taylor.
By the vows of my vocation, I cannot share your taste,
And so I wear a “flower girl” and ribbon at the waist. 
By dressing as an innocent, I thereby can assure
My swift ascent to heaven when my soul’s completely pure.”

Relieved, the tanner brightened, his anxiety dispelled.
“I see,” he said and touched his nose, “I thought that’s what I
smelled.” 

                                                                        Maximilian Edsel, S.J.